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- I was a helicopter parent to my firstborn but learned that it wasn't the best approach.
- My firstborn was frustrated, anxious, and struggled to do simple tasks.
- I started implementing age-appropriate independence and my three kids are better for it.
It's been nine years, but I can still clearly remember the first time we got a bike for my 2-year-old son. What was supposed to be an exciting new milestone turned into a disappointment.
Being a first-time mom who was consumed by "what ifs," I let my overprotective instincts take over. Despite his protests, I loaded him up with protective gear from head to toe — knee pads, elbow pads, a padded vest and shorts, and a fitted helmet.
After just a few minutes of riding, he frustratingly told me that he wanted to go inside because all the padding was making him uncomfortable.
That bike ride was just one of countless examples of my helicopter parenting. I decided what he would eat and wear, and who he would befriend. I made sure he didn't mingle with strangers and was always quick to jump in to help, even unprompted.
I thought this was how a mother's love should be, not realizing how it would impact his emotional growth years later.
My need to control was ruining his joy in exploring and trying new things
Courtesy of Ariba Mobin
As he grew older, my eldest struggled to make simple decisions, like choosing new clothes, and he was often a bit too anxious about hypothetical scenarios, like what if our car ran out of fuel in a deserted area.
He lost interest in reading because we would always read what I chose for him. Even ordering meals when we went out was tough because he felt uncomfortable speaking to unfamiliar people.
My apprehensions kept causing hindrances for him, until one day, he couldn't hold back anymore.
"Mama, you won't ever let me do anything on my own," he cried after I stopped him from playing football with a few unknown kids at the park.
Hearing that was painful but necessary. I realized I needed to make a change for him and my secondborn.
I started with small, subtle changes
I loosed the reins and started giving my eldest the freedom to choose what to wear, eat, and read. I also stopped saying no so often, especially when he offered to help.
Some changes came more slowly than others. His anxiety over hypotheticals, for example, diminished pretty quickly.
However, it took years for him to build up his self-confidence starting with small activities like helping me fold laundry and make sandwiches for him and his little brother.
It didn't matter if his attempts were imperfect, I made a point to praise and thank him. And I stopped helping him all of the time.
Once, he was struggling to make a bridge with his engineering toy set. It kept collapsing, but I resisted the urge to help and watched instead. Eventually, he figured out what was wrong and built a sturdy bridge all by himself. His face lit up with pride.
Milestones like these made me realize the value of loosening the reins so that my kids could experience struggle and learn resilience by themselves.
My eldest, now 11, is a confident, caring big brother for his siblings. He is the wisest when it comes to spending his allowance. He makes well-thought-out choices, and his adventurous restaurant orders always bring a smile to our faces.
All of my children became more confident as I changed my parenting style
My younger kids also benefit from the lessons I learned raising my eldest. I became a more relaxed parent.
I allowed my secondborn to mingle with unfamiliar kids when he wanted and to choose his own clothes and books.
As a result, from a very young age, my secondborn was not scared of risks like trying new rides and foods. He makes friends quickly and even helps new classmates who struggle to adapt.
My youngest, my 3-year-old, surprises us with her strong will, crystal-clear choices, and self-assured demeanor at such a young age.
My eldest taught me the importance of endorsing age-appropriate independence over helicopter parenting, and because of that, I've had the joy of watching my kids thrive as they grow up.
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