Before we dig into the specifics of German courtship rituals, it’s worth questioning the entire premise of this article. Is flirting in German a worthwhile effort? Do Germans even flirt?
The profound truth of being a human with a beating heart is that everyone, indeed, “flirts.” It’s just that some flirtation styles are a little more subtle, or a little more under the radar, or a little less hung up on spectacle and artistry.
Before you despair over your apparent inability to elicit a reaction from your Deutsch darling when you’re flirting in German, you should probably learn the difference between “I’m not actually looking at you” and “I’m looking at you, but trying to pretend that I’m not.” Eye contact: you’re going to have to learn how to use it.
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Flirting In German: It’s All In The Eyes
According to at least one Babbel insider living in Berlin, Germans have a tendency to stare and to hold intense eye contact. This doesn’t mean all eye contact is sexy eye contact. It just means sexy eye contact could involve a little more “innuendo” than usual.
This does not mean it’ll necessarily be accompanied by a smile, or that you’ll be invited with a lingering gaze. A favorite move when flirting in German is the “look, but then quickly look away.”
Calm Down And Have An Actual Conversation (For Awhile)
Most love stories in Germany begin with simple, casual conversations. Indeed, you might not know whether someone is interested in you that way or simply being friendly until they ask for your digits.
The love language that Germans best understand — at least early on in the game — is intellectual conversation, not smarmy pickup lines and handsy body language.
Ideally, you’ll want to keep the conversation stimulating and avoid dull small talk. Ultimately, you should be ready to take your shoes off and make yourself at home during this “getting to know you” phase. If you’re five dates in and still trying to tell if a German guy is interested in you, relax. You’re probably doing great.
To initiate a conversation, you’re probably better off skipping the cheesy pickup lines (unless you consider yourself to be really smooth). Here are a few tips for learning German, as well as a quick lesson on how to say hello.
Be Upfront And Be On Time
Flirting in German and German dating culture is somewhat different from American dating culture, mainly in the sense that it’s not “the norm” for people to be seeing multiple prospects at once until they choose one to become exclusive with. Germans are a bit more “point A to point B,” meaning they tend to focus on one person at a time.
Germans are also decidedly less likely to ghost someone than an American, but that has nothing to do with whether they actually like you or not.
Germans are also really into punctuality. If you say you’re going to meet somewhere at 7, don’t roll up at 7:15. It will be taken as a sign of disrespect and will hurt your the prospects of your successful flirting in German.
Go Dutch
Germans are rather egalitarian when it comes to gendered responsibilities, and there’s no prevailing expectation that men will pick up the check on a first date.
There’s also no prevailing expectation that a man should make the first move. However, he often might — but this usually entails nothing more than a “look” (You know the look. We’ve been over this).
The theory is that German men are kind of shy, and German women are fairly assertive and confident. But it’s worth considering who they’re “shy” and “assertive” in relation to. If aggressive machismo is what you’re used to, then sure, German men might seem a little more reserved.
Be forewarned: overly forward, wanton overtures will probably not be received the way you want them to be. German women might laugh if you compliment their appearance, and men might not even know how to react to an aggressive come-on. That doesn’t mean they don’t like attention; it just means your peacock display will likely not compute.
The Ins And Outs Of Asking Someone Out In German
You might want to lead with a simple compliment of some kind if that’s your style, but keep in mind that subtlety will probably get you further than laying it on too thick. Your German beau might not really know how to react to an aggressive come-on. They might even laugh at you! Still, don’t take that to mean that they don’t appreciate the flattery. Once you start to get to know each other a little more, complimenting their personality, intelligence or sense of humor will be even more appreciated.
If you must, here are a couple phrases that might come in handy:
- Ich mag dich. — I like you.
- Du hast schöne Augen. — You have beautiful eyes.
- Ich liebe dein Lächeln, es ist so charmant. — I love your smile, it’s so charming.
- Du tanzt gut! — You dance well!
- Du siehst gut aus! — You look fantastic!
- Du bist schön. — You are beautiful.
- Ich finde dich sehr attraktiv. — I find you very attractive.
Honestly, you could probably get away with skipping the compliment and simply starting a casual chat. When in doubt, engage someone in a simple (but stimulating) conversation. This is a much better strategy than walking up to someone and asking if you can buy them a drink as an entry point into a conversation. Connecting with your love interest’s intellectual side will probably have a greater impact than trying to be slick or overly handsy right off the bat. Honestly, avoid the small talk and just ask them about their interests, opinions, what they’re working on currently, or their aspirations. In fact, you might have to get comfortable in this “just talking” phase. It might last for a couple dates.
Though it’s perfectly normal to proceed like this with a new love interest — and perhaps in a way that might leave you, a cultural outsider, guessing when it comes to whether they’re even into you that way or not — maybe you’d like to ask, at some point, whether the person you’re talking to is even available.
Bist du Single? — Are you single?
Hast du eine (feste)* Freundin? — Do you have a girlfriend?
Hast du einen (festen)* Freund? — Do you have a boyfriend?
*Most people leave out feste/festen because it’s usually implied you’re asking about a romantic partner and not any friend, but if you want to make sure the other person knows exactly what you mean, use the full phrase.
Assuming the conversation is going well and you feel ready to take the next step, here are a few ways to invite someone out on a date in German. If you’re in Berlin especially, keep in mind that dating is a very relaxed affair and a typical outing might involve drinking outside at a park, or inside at a dive bar. If you want to suggest something a little more special, it’s certainly not expected, but you can invite someone out to a gallery or museum.
- Hast du morgen Zeit? — Are you free tomorrow?
- Sollen wir ausgehen? — Shall we go out?
- Was möchtest du trinken? Ich lade dich ein. — What would you like to drink? I’ll pay.
- Wollen wir etwas trinken gehen? — How about going for a drink?
- Hast du am Freitag Zeit? Ich möchte euch zum Essen einladen. — Do you have time on Friday? I would like to invite you to dinner.
- Hast du Lust, mit mir auf eine Party zu gehen? — Would you like to go to a party with me?
- Ich habe zwei Konzertkarten gewonnen. Möchtest du mit mir hingehen? — I won two tickets to a concert. Do you want to go with me?
Cheesy German Pick-Up Lines That Just Might Work (Or Not)
Be forewarned: using a cheesy German pick-up line (known as ein Anmachspruch) might actually hurt your chances more than it helps. Germans are generally fans of originality. Perhaps if you’re funny and smooth enough with the delivery, your special friend will find your silliness charming.
- Glaubst du an Liebe auf den ersten Blick oder muss ich nochmal vorbeigehen? — Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
- Ich habe meine Telefonnummer verloren. Kannst du mir deine leihen? — I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
- Hat es wehgetan, als du vom Himmel gefallen bist? — Did it hurt when you fell from the sky?
- Als Gott dich schuf, wollte er sicher angeben. — When God made you, he surely wanted to show off.
- Kannst du mich mal in die Arme nehmen? — Can you take me in your arms?
- Na, du auch hier? — Hey, you’re here too? (like the English “You come here often?”)
- Und sonst so? — And, what else?
- Kennen wir uns nicht irgendwoher? — Don’t we know each other?
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